Run Like Hell
A Therapist’s Guide to Recognizing, Escaping, and Healing from Trauma Bonds
The following is an excerpt from Run Like Hell, by Nadine Macaluso, available now from Greenleaf Book Group.
INTRODUCTION
The Paradox of Love
“We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love.”
— SIGMUND FREUD
Romantic love is intoxicating and crushing. We’ve all experienced this. Love involves amplified emotions and is complex, unique, and often irrational. We can idealize intimacy while fearing it. And if we are too thirsty for another’s love, we can get lured into a trauma bond.
Traumatic bonding can occur between spouses, family members, bosses, and subordinates. This book, however, highlights traumatic bonding between lovers. Females tend to be more emotional than men, leaving them more susceptible to emotional dependence in relationships. Men can be victimized by their lovers too, yet in this book, I am focusing on women as victims based on research and professional experiences with my patients spanning more than a decade.
We are often pawns in a love game we do not understand. A trauma bond relationship (TBR) starts with promises of tenderness, trust, and safety between two seemingly honest individuals. Passion and obsession seal the bond. But what happens when your partner suddenly changes the game’s rules? When his kindness and warmth become lies and threats? Your once-charming soulmate now feels like a possessive cellmate.
Do you recognize the following scenarios?
Confronting your partner drives him to accuse you. You begin defending yourself and questioning your sanity while toxic cycles of bliss followed by despair cause you to crave a deeper connection. Yet you are no match for his manipulation and domination. Left with no choice, you rationalize his abuse and minimize his betrayals because his unrelenting intimidation crushes your willpower.
As your well-being depends on the moments of peace you share with him, you begin to believe your well-being and safety depend on his love, so you compulsively accommodate his needs and deny yours. Feelings of dependency, tangled with forgiveness and denial, emotionally bond you to your intimate terrorist.
If you or someone you know has suffered through this — if you are suffering through this — you are not alone. You have been in a trauma bond.
Trauma bonds are violent attachments; they demonstrate the paradox of love.
MY WHY
Love is blind.
How many times have you heard that expression? Perhaps you said it to comfort a friend whose husband cheated on her. Maybe you’ve thought it after ending a seemingly idyllic relationship. Love can even make us blind to our blindness. We are not aware that we are missing anything. I said it to myself after reading an anonymous direct message on Instagram.
Hi, I’m reaching out because I’m unsure what to do and need help. I am dating a narcissist, and I’ve been trying to leave him. I’ve discovered that he’s cheating on me, with a woman you know . . . a colleague of yours.
“A colleague of mine? Who in the world?” I kept reading.
I believe she has no idea he’s involved with me. I have been internally fighting with telling her because he has threatened my job. I have seen through Instagram that she has introduced her children to him. He did the same with mine, which weighs on me since we both have been through high-conflict divorces. She’s with a man whom she does not know at all. Thank you for reading.
I thought, “Well, Nae, it’s official. You have become a Trauma Bond Whisperer.” I don’t recall aspiring to be a trauma bond whisperer. Nor did I earn my PhD to learn how a person emotionally bonds to an intimacy terrorist.
Yet, I reached out to the woman who sent me that DM, and she confirmed that my colleague’s boyfriend had a whole secret life. Love’s power compels us to see what we want rather than what is there.
Ugh! I felt sick telling my colleague that her boyfriend currently had another girlfriend and was possibly a pathological liar. Deception cloaked in devotion is hard to see. Even an expert can be seduced and conned (again) by a manipulative lover. Weekly, women desperately ask me why they fell into a trauma bond. How do they leave? Can they recover? And most importantly, how do they never, ever endure one again?
My therapy room is a relational lab that reflects society. After all, “domestic occurrences comprise the largest category of calls to the police in the United States.” I am sure you have seen R. Kelly, Harvey Weinstein, and Jeffrey Epstein splashed over the Internet. Intimate partner abuse in the United States continues unabated. It is a dangerous epidemic in this country that leaves a trail of wounded women and children.
This book is a universal answer for women everywhere.
WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM THIS BOOK?
If you are trapped in a trauma bond or have survived one, this book will validate your experience by naming what you have endured. Unfortunately, some therapists are undertrained in recognizing trauma bonds and their effects on mental health. Post-abuse symptoms are extreme and confusing and can often result in a misdiagnosis.
For instance, if a woman is emotionally reactive and dramatic, she might appear to have a personality disorder. Or if she is hypervigilant because she is being stalked, she is paranoid. However, these are all normal reactions to living through traumatic bonding.
Trauma bond victims often feel crushing shame for enduring such abuse. Well-intentioned therapists often intensify their humiliation: “Why didn’t you leave after the hundredth time he promised to change and didn’t? Why do you act so helpless?” Such professionals don’t understand how manipulative and abusive tactics break down willpower.
A trauma bond victim’s accurate diagnosis is complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). C-PTSD is a distinct form of relational trauma involving chronic emotional or physical abuse over a prolonged period. Examples of C-PTSD include child abuse, intimate partner abuse, and human trafficking.
Traumatic bonding is brainwashing developed through intimidation, coercion, isolation, and manipulation. Traumatic bonding is an emotional process. Initially, the perpetrator establishes trust and connection, then exploits trust by abusing or coercively controlling their lover. After the abuse, the victim accommodates and pacifies her aggressor to salvage her well-being because she thinks the abuser is the only source of relief from her pain and fear. Ironically, this psychological process creates an emotional bond.
Unfortunately, time does not heal all wounds. Many women live their lives with captive hearts, alone in the emotional desert of psychic numbness. This doesn’t have to be you. I understand how you feel, so this book offers solutions to help you and other women recover from a trauma bond.
Cycles of chronic relational trauma at the hands of someone you trust cause C-PTSD symptoms of shame, insecurity, anxiety, depression, cognitive dissonance, addiction, and lack of trust in oneself. I wrote my dissertation on treatment for C-PTSD. I completed my post-doctoral training in a modality designed to treat C-PTSD.
This book explains what you need to understand to avoid victimization from the painful aspects of traumatic bonding. It also offers information to gain a deeper understanding of your psychology so you can love wisely. And perhaps most importantly, it offers help on how to leave safely and recover from your trauma.
I have arranged the book to reflect my thinking about traumatic bonding. The book has three parts and ten chapters.
Part 1, “Dangerously in Love,” describes the who, what, why, and how.
In Chapter 1, “What Your Mother Never Told You,” I explain the two primary components of traumatic bonding: intermittent abuse and power imbalance. Four different women’s experiences of traumatic bonding are narrated to show readers the diverse ways traumatic bonding can manifest.
Research has shown that we can tame what we can name. We are less likely to become traumatized when we see something or someone coming. Therefore, to help prevent future heartbreak, Chapter 2, “Is He Twisted or Tender?,” describes the complex personality, mood disorders, and impulsive behaviors that enable the abuser to be an antisocial lover in a trauma bond relationship (TBR). TBR abusers are cunning and deceptive; they initially play at being warm, caring, and thoughtful partners. Yet this charming mask conceals their selfish nature and antagonistic personality.
Trauma bonds begin with a sweet seduction, have a middle phase of domination and manipulation, and dramatically end. I will give many examples of their toxic cycles of abuse, manipulation, and inevitable harm in Chapter 3, “Trauma Bonding.”
Chapter 4, “Opposites Do Attract,” clarifies the personality traits that put women at risk of becoming trapped in a TBR. I describe distinct personality traits from the five-factor model of personality.These prosocial traits create stability and safety in healthy relationships yet get weaponized by a toxic partner.
Part 2, “Trauma Bond Free,” explores the process of releasing the bonds of trauma. Chapter 5, “Emotional Scar Tissue,” explains the mind-body symptoms caused by traumatic bonding. Victims of TBRs feel shame, emotional pain, loss of self, and cognitive dissonance. I will explain these symptoms, how they occur, and why they cause the victim to stay bonded.
Chapter 6, “Getting off the Merry-Go-Round of Insanity,” describes how women wake up and leave trauma bonds. It is a loss of safety for some women; others emotionally detach from their partners. Some women become more confident and feel strong enough to leave. And some get discarded by their abuser.
Chapter 7, “How to Leave Safely,” explains just that: how to get out of a trauma bond carefully and with the least amount of damage possible.
Part 3, “The Wisdom of the Wound,” is about how you can recover emotionally once you’ve left.
Chapter 8, “Post-Traumatic Growth,” demonstrates that finding meaning is not the same as saying, “All things happen for a reason.” Meaning comes from actively confronting yourself, learning from your mistakes, and being open to change.
Chapter 9, “Avoiding the Future PL,” explains how to never again get into another trauma bond with a pathological lover (PL) when you’re ready to begin dating again.
Chapter 10, “Go Live,” concludes the book with the idea that you can heal and learn from your trauma bond, going on to enjoy healthy relationships in the future.
As you read this book, keep in mind that resilience does not mean being invulnerable, but rather you are inviolable. Because you can no longer be violated, you can handle life’s inevitable challenges. Your recovery and growth are the goals.
Trauma bonds are life-altering but do not have to be a life sentence. I am living proof that you can grow from a trauma bond. Posttraumatic growth (PTG) research confirms that most trauma bond victims develop enhanced personal strength and become open to new possibilities as they recover. Seventy-five percent of people who experience such trauma grow from it. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s an encouraging statistic that people should know!
After recovering from a trauma bond, you can improve psychological well-being, experience a positive personality change, and develop healthy coping mechanisms leading to constructive changes such as self-love and healthy intimacy. I have seen this play out again and again in my therapy room and beyond. So, are you ready to commit to your personal growth and recovery? Turn the page if you believe you are worth it. I know you are.
